A219

In a week course 2 of my second degree with the OU begins.  Somehow I managed to get just 1 point below a distinction on A330 (Greek Myths and Legends), I have no idea how that happened, but obviously I managed to do something really right in the final essay despite it completely missing the theme that I had originally given it to my tutor.

Unfortunately for me, as with almost every other course I have ever done with the OU, something has to go wrong; this year - as with a few years ago - I have been informed that I will be made redundant come the end of the year unless a miracle occurs.  This news has, as I am sure it would anyone, sent me into a little bit of a worried spin but I have started the search for a new job and in the mean time I have both my baking and my studies to distract me from the reality of being potentially unemployed come the new year.

Well, with any luck I will manage to maintain this journal - it's an infequent place to update, but it's also a good location to come to when I am in need of seeking some academic balance.

Something I did forget to mention when I was studying was the fantastic help I had from the Facebook forum until the point when we actually had received our grades and it seems a riot commenced.  I can understand quite easily how upset people were about the seeming unfair grading system that was being used by the OU for this particular course, but having been graded in a way that I was both stunned and overjoyed at, I was unable to find fault.  I wish everyone who received a grade they didn't like the best of luck and hope that they are able to sort out things to their satisfaction, but at the same time I have decided that I no longer need it.

TMA02

My tutor finally sent back TMA02 after a week of silence from her and two emails from me asking if she could just acknowledge that she had received it.  Along with the marked essay (for which I received a much better grade than I feel I deserved - being honest) was a rather snotty email from the tutor who, in so many words, said that felt I was being unreasonable in not being able to wait for the assignment...It was nearly Christmas and had I left it to ask I would have been waiting until the beginning of the new year to get the marked essay back.

Luckily the essay is now back in my hands and I am able to see where I went wrong and what I need to do next.  The assignment I have submit next month (Jan 16th) is all about the Romans, I intend to try harder to get a better grade on this one, I want to be able to say that I at least made the effort to get straight Bs (I think straight As will be impossible given the fact that I have done two assignments and already received two Bs).

Well, here's me looking to the new year and the new challenges that this course offers - I have already registered for the course starting in September - another classics course, but this time on Greek and Roman history (looks like it will be hard work, but well worth it).

TMA02 Struggles

I am really struggling at the moment, to find the enthusiasm to write the second part of TMA02.  Being truthful I really don't like the effort that I have to put into it, not because I feel that there should be no necessity for effort, but because I have never had to push myself so hard to find the enthusiasm to write something.

I did surprisingly well on my last TMA, I managed to earn a B, not the highest B I have managed (73%) but enough that I was proud of it, especially as I was going through a manic episode at the time and somehow when I read it back a lot of it didn't make complete sense to me.  Even the tutor feedback mentioned that it seemed to be rather 'random' at points, and I apparently 'went off at a tangent' at times.  Oh well, I managed to earn a relatively good grade and I was hopeful that this would help to introduce some enthusiasm to do the rest of the course.  Unfortunately I proved to be wrong with this and a few weeks ago I had to spend the whole weekend reading up on four weeks of work that I hadn't managed to get done in the weeks that I was meant to.  Obviously now I am over the original deadline and working to the extension that I was luckily awarded...oh I forgot to mention that many things were sent to try me over the last few weeks; my nephew got hit by a car while cycling on his paperround and my mum had an operation to remove her thyroid...

Back to the grind, I need to finish this essay by 3pm today (and it's now nearly 10am) in order that I can have some semblance of a weekend (albeit only a few hours).

TMA01

Well, the course has officially started, and just over 2 weeks in I have already had to submit my first assignment. I felt incredibly unprepared for the panic that filled me the minute I realised that I didn't know much at all about the material, but I managed to blag my way through the 1000 words required (yep, that was it, a measly 1000 words - when you look at it like that it seems like hardly any at all really).

The assignment isn't really due to be submitted until tomorrow (20th) and those who know me well enough will know that what I am about to say is stunning - here is where I recommend those of you who recognise my official title "Queen of All Procrastinators" sit down - I have submitted the assignment. Yes, you have read that correctly, I have submitted my TMA already and it is now just waiting to be graded. I won't go so far as to say I know that I have written a masterpiece, because I am sure that I have written anything but, that being said, I have written something I am not totally ashamed of and I am relieved that I have now submitted it and it is down to my tutor what happens with it next.

Having taken a few deep panic stricken breaths, I am now wondering if perhaps I shouldn't have slept on it and submitted it tomorrow, but I know really that I wasn't going to be able to improve upon it, I was unfamiliar with the material and, coming from a literature background rather than a totally academic one, whatever I wrote was bound to be similar, if not the same.

Now onwards to Euripides and his Hippolytus, have read bits of this already and the story is as familiar to me as most of Shakespeare - probably because this is the source of much of his original material in some form or another. Luckily I am familiar with the myth of Hippolytus and his step mother Phaedra, so there should hopefully be few (if any at all) surprises.

Here we go...wish me luck.

Academic Year 2011-12

It has been well over a year (in fact, checking the date of my last entry it’s actually been nearly two) since I last posted. In the time since I started what was the last course before I was awarded (in September 2010) a BA (Hons) 2:2 in English Literature not much has changed. I am an aunt for the fourth time (my sister is officially insane), I have lost over seven stone in weight, joined a gym (I hate it), moved flat (again) and found a new companion in the form of a black and mud-brown kitten called Shadow (who lives very well up to his name).

Despite these changes I remain rather dissatisfied with my lot in life, but I have only myself to blame for that particular aspect so I am writing here again because in an effort to find something to pass the time I have decided to start studying again. In October this year I begin my journey into further academia with my first course on the Classics in the form of a Level 3 Humanities course A330 Myth in the Greek and Roman Worlds. I am looking forward to this new venture with renewed vigour and the prospect of homework, though daunting, is something I am anticipating eagerly, determined as I am to pick up information on an area of study I have always had an interest in. Granted it may not be the course that gets me promoted, or published, or anything other than another degree, but it is something I am interested in, and for me that is far more important. For me the acquisition of knowledge (in whatever form) is as vital as breathing and I could almost cry when I hear my sister’s children telling me that Harold did get shot in the eye in the Battle of Hastings and even worse “reading is boring”. How can anyone say that a rich tapestry of different and new worlds is boring?

Of course, this reintroduction to academia has been coupled with a renewed interest in writing as well as an increasing desire to read anything and everything. Since last Monday I have read 13 books (I am currently halfway through book 14), 4 of which were purchased for my Kindle (fantastic toy if only they could figure out the page numbering). This weekend will mark the start of course prep though – I am going to purchase a couple of the books (there are only four this year which really makes a dramatic change for me) and start reading them. Granted they aren’t literature in a modern sense, but I have no doubt that Ovid’s interpretation of Greek/Roman myth will be fascinating (I have read much dryer texts on the subject in the past, including those by Robert Graves).

To say that I am feeling much better about my lot since I signed up for my course is not an understatement by any means. The knowledge that in a few months I will have no choice but to read and write things which make me think is something I have been dreaming about since I finished EA300 Children’s Literature and realised that I was going to have to take a break and recoup my energies.

The New Academic Year

This Saturday marks the first day of my last course. I can’t believe that I started working on this degree back in September 2005 and now, just four years later it is almost over. I haven’t exactly done a wide variety of courses, it is after all a degree in Literature, but along the way I have met a vast number of different tutor types, from the incredibly helpful to the total moronic numb-nuts who I could happily bash around the head with a crowbar (yes, SLOB, this is about you).

Saturday I start the new EA300 course, a course introduced by the Open University just this year (I am part of the first intake), a course all about Children’s Literature, covering a number of authors from Beatrix Potter and Louisa M Alcott to JK Rowling and Phillip Pullman. I am looking forward to this course, but I was looking forward to A215 and look where that anticipation got me.

As EA300 starts, AA306 is coming to a quick end. On 12th October I will be sitting in a (hopefully not stuffy) town hall with an exam paper all about Shakespeare. To say that my performance on this course has shocked me would be an understatement of epic proportions. I have always struggled with analysis but I don’t let that inadequacy get to me, and struggle though, and it seems that the struggle is always worth it. I am not getting distinctions, or As, but I am happy with the B- equivalents that I keep on coming away with, they are a pleasant surprise and I love them. I work really hard on the assignments (though I do admit they are always very much a case of last minute thing), and though I am aware they are not worthy of being framed and exhibited in a museum, they are pieces of work I am proud of.

EA300 is my last course, and with the first assignment all about Harry Potter I feel as though it could have been designed for me (until of course they start discussing the psychology behind the creation of literature for children and its purpose – then I start to panic).

They will be looking at a number of books I have never read, nor heard of (some are new and others have an incredibly long history, The Tale of Peter Rabbit and Little Women being just two examples).

I appreciate that they can’t cover everything, and do need to cover many aspects of the arena of children’s literature, but it is with trepidation I approach a book called Junk which, according to the blurb, is about young love, running away from home, and an addiction to heroin. It’s a disturbing topic and part of me wonders how something so dark and mired in chronic depression can be considered Children’s Literature – of course I am sure I will soon find out.

Roll on the last year, I await you with anticipation...now I can really start the countdown to the end of my degree and the moment I can stand up at the graduation ceremony and, holding a certificate in my hands, grin smugly at my mum and say “see, told you so!” (my mother unfortunately is not the most supportive of parents, and since I said I was starting this course she has shown little to no interest, going as far as to tell me that “I don’t want to hear about it until you’re about to get the certificate and have officially passed the course”). To say that her comments hurt, when she focused so intently on my sister’s long-since abandoned foray into academia, is an understatement, but knowing that it is so close now (9 months) I can taste it makes me realise that I am doing this FOR ME.

S.A.D?

I have suffered from depression since I was 16 - so for the last 19 years of my life.

Since my original diagnosis (which has changed several times since the first time) I have had 2 breakdowns, seen two different psychiatrists (long-term), and moved NHS regions once (meaning that all therapy and medical notes took months to be transferred and caused a rather damaging break in treatment).

After my last breakdown I was prescribed Moclobemide (an outdated but well-proven MAOI medication prescribed only by mental health specialists), which I took without issue for 5 years. This was the only pill, after trying numerous others, that did anything anywhere near making me feel something resembling normal. Unfortunately, when I changed surgery practices (and localities) the new GP told me that he would not renew the prescription and that he wanted to learn more about my case. Since then he has tried me on two sleeping pills - I HATED them both, I dislike relinquishing control of my somewhat abnormal sleep pattern and after a few nights of bad tastes in my mouth and heavy heads determined that 4 hours of rubbish sleep was better than a whole night AND a 'hangover head' without the fun of having had an overindulgent alcoholic night before.

The last few weeks have been horrendous; mood swings, constant tearfulness, a general feeling of being inadequate, overwhelmed, and low, so I went back to the doctor with the hope of getting some help. After 20 minutes, and filling out one of those stupid questionnaire things on which my score was 22, I was told that he would refer me for therapy - the waiting list is (like most) 12-18 months. I hoped that he would give me some other offer of help...he suggested Citalopram and Prozac (the first anti-depressant I ever took which may as well have been a smartie for all the use it had). After telling him that I have already taken both of these and have found them to be no use he essentially told me that I would hear from the Local Community Mental Health Team in the next few weeks and then sent me on my way (even opening the door to let me out) without any further suggestions or offers of help. Like everyone else who suffers...what am I mant to do now? I can't cope with work, I go home and essentially curl up on the sofa and pretend I am not there and generally feel like so much useless space.

Creative Writing: And the Saga Continues...

I thought that the course would be over and that would be it, and then I got the grade back on my final piece of work. I swear (and this isn't me being paranoid OR over-inflating my writing abilities) that this particular tutor (now to be referred to as SLOB) has it in for me.

I got my final paper back and, along with comments that with a bit of work it would be publishable in a high-end writing magazine, was a grade that made me spit tacks (not literally but I am sure, had there been tacks in my mouth I would have spit them). A "C"! That jumped up little twat who thinks that his ideas are the only ideas, gave me a fricking "C". Of course, me being me, I couldn't lie down on this, I mean, it's creative writing, I am not the best at it, but I have a modicum of ability and therefore when I write something that has other people sighing (and apparently a few friends did, really identifying with the character - one person even asked me if they were real) I think it deserves more than a paltry "C".

I wrote a letter to the Regional Office, got fobbed off and told that despite the fact that I have made an official complaint about this tutor and he has been made aware of it (which of course wouldn't affect his marking at all!) I would still have to follow the original protocols of the course and contact him to request a re-grade. A few days later and I get a rather abrupt "Understand you're upset but no, I stick by the grade I gave you and that's that"...I am not letting that lie. In fact, just yesterday I sent a letter to the Complaints and Appeals department and I am now in the process of taking the request for a re-grade over the tosspot's head. I am not going to let this lie! Now I just have to wait and hear what the Regional Office - who I contacted originally and was told to go through proper procedure - the whole process is ridiculous, but I am going to follow it to the letter so that they have no comeback should they decide to question my reasoning.

End of Course (Creative Writing)

Well, this course was definitely not what I was expecting when I signed up for it almost 6 months before it started. I have to admit that I feel let down. I was hoping to meet a lot of like-minded people that I could possibly create some kind of writing network with. What I unfortunately found - in my tutor group at least - was a bunch of technophobic mutes and a reunion with a tutor that I hadn't respected when I first met him, and continued to feel total apathy for at the reunion nearly 16 years later.

I am relieved that this course has come to an end though, of course, I still have to wait for the end of course grade (and, as it happens, the grade for the second to last piece of coursework because - true to type - the tutor is late returning it), but I feel secure in saying that I have passed.

To say that I am unhappy with how this turned out is a rather large understatement. I had blown this course up in my mind as something I would feel comfortable doing, would enjoy and bring home adequate (though hopefully better than adequate) grades. Instead what I discovered was that it is possible to make a life-long writer HATE her craft, introduce her to a series of methods that don't help in the slightest, and give her a huge textbook that is only really good for one thing - a rest for the laptop when she's typing in bed.

All in all, if you like writing, enjoy the day to day of coming up with original ideas and putting them down on paper, don't do this course thinking that it's going to be one which helps you polish your writing pen and produce masterpieces worth publication...Think about doing courses elsewhere where you can be sure that you won't get tutors who don't want to help, don't mark things and return them on time, and constantly make a point of telling you that they aren't paid to provide you with feedback which helps you to master the craft.

Rant ended...and, luckily enough, course ended!

It's been a while

Where has all the time gone? One minute it’s March and I have damaged text books with milk, the next it’s the end of May and I am in the process of writing my last creative writing piece for the course that felt as though it was never going to end.

I can honestly say that the course was my idea of hell on earth (minus the fire and brimstone of course). SLOB has been the laziest tutor I have had while doing the OU degree (can you believe I only have another 13 months to go?), he marks things in a half-hearted manner that is difficult to adjust to, and there is something so backhanded about his comments when paired with his grades that half the time I am not sure what to think. Take the last piece for example, a ‘life writing’ piece which I ended up doing about the sickness and death of my dad. It’s the first piece I have written about the subject since I was 13 and though it’s not a recent memory anymore, the writing of it was a cathartic process which I did consider chucking in on several occasions. Sending that in I was sure that I had done a good job, I hadn’t made it too sentimental, I hadn’t gone all prosaic and pathetic, I felt I had reached the right balance. I had to contact the Regional Office to get it back because it appears as though deadlines and schedules mean nothing to Mr Wanker over there in his ivory tower in Worthing (yep, I am talking about SLOB), and when I did I have to admit I was confused. In one sentence he is saying that it was a moving piece that had made him cry, it was well-written and emotional without being over-sentimental, and then he gives me a B. Not a ‘high B’ like I received for the creative writing TMA02, but a full-out dead on the nose ‘B’ (as in 70%). I just don’t get it.

Well, the last TMA was due in just last Friday, and the next one – the final piece, the exam replacement piece – is due in on June 5th (clashing so wonderfully well with the Twelfth Night piece I have to submit for Shakespeare), but it will have to be posted beforehand as it has to be received by the Head Office of the OU in Milton Keynes by Friday 5th, and it has to be posted (yep, you read it here, the course that has been totally email and online has a hardcopy snail mail element to it).

I am in the process of writing a plan and ideas for the ECA, I am not going the route of some of the seeming sycophants in my tutorial group (who initially were all “I don’t like poetry” and when SLOB sent us some of his to review all of a sudden were “I love poetry and I am going to write a piece for every assignment”), I am going to write prose, it’s what I feel comfortable with, it’s what I feel confident writing and I think (for that really read ‘hope’) it will be the best piece I have submitted. I know that I don’t have a chance of getting an amazing grade for any of the pieces I have submitted because SLOB apparently doesn’t really like (or get) my writing style, but I have to get to the point where I am writing for me...sod what people like him think...in the scheme of things he has had one book published (poetry) by vanity press and that sort of person is not my target audience anyway.

Oh, and I am going to take up knitting.